I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
