dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
