just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
