All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
