also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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