I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
