If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
