Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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