We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Slut skills are useful in every country.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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