I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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