I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
