Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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