So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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