apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
