So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
