it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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