I'm sorry my penis didn't work
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
