you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.