I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
