Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
