Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
