i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
