Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
