I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
