the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
