If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
