spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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