Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
