so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
