I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
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He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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