I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
