I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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