i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
