where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
