Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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