I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
this just has baby written all over it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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