Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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