Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
