you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
