Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
