The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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