I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
