I think I won the penis lottery.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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