I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
