i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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