if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
