Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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