Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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