are you so shy because you have an std?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
