last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
