Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
