my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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