We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
