if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
