9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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