I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
