Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
