my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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