they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
